My Sweet Ella

                                     As many of you know, this last month has been a whirl wind for me and my family. Because many of you have asked, here is Ella's story.

                                        Before Ella came to our family, we had miscarried three times. Imagine our excitement when one finally stuck! We loved her before she even made it to this earth, especially Ruth. Ruth spent countless hours rubbing my belly, talking to Ella, telling her how much she loved her and how excited she was for her to "pop out". :) Toward the end of my very long and miserable pregnancy, I started to experience some complications that scared my doctor, and at a checkup on November 10th, my doctor decided that Ella would be born that day. It was two weeks before we had planned on her, but I was still excited to meet my precious little one I had been carrying around all this time. They rushed me into a c-section and a few minutes later I was holding my sweet new baby. 

                                     Ella was born early, but healthy. She was loved by everyone that met her. She was snuggly, and sweet. She knew her family, especially Ruth. The first day of her life, Ella had started to fuss a little bit and all Ruth did was say "it's ok baby sis, you dont need to cry" and Ella opened her eyes, looked right at Ruth and stopped crying. They had a special bond from the beginning.

                                   

 

 

                                                  

 

In the next few days to come, we loved and snuggled our sweet Ella. She was such a good baby. She didnt fuss, hardly ever. She was very alert for a newborn, always watching us. She would coo at us, and even giggled. Yes, giggled! We thought we had a little smarty pants on our hands because Ruth didnt even open her eyeballs for months, let alone giggle at us. At only a few days old Ella would copy Marcus' face. Thinking it was just a fluke, Marcus made different faces and Ella copied them all. It was almost as if she was preparing us, and getting as much in as she could before she would have to leave.
    

                                     Thursday, November 20, Ella woke up looking a little yellow, having been born a couple weeks early she did have some jaundice, so we didnt think much of it. Plus, we had just been to a check up two days before and everything was perfect. Well as the day progress Ella was not eating like usual and was not as alert. We still were just thinking she was maybe catching something, but later that afternoon we decided to take her in. We took her to her doctor in Blackfoot who immediately ambulanced us to Pocatello. We got to the hospital and they got her vitals back up, and were looking and sounding very optimistic. Marcus had taken the car up while I went with Ella in the ambulance. He met us there as they were prepping to move us up to an observation room for the night. We were sitting on the bed next to her, each of us holding a small perfect hand, when Ella looked right into our eyes, coo-ed for a second, then peacefully shut her eyes and slipped away, she had a heart attack. After 10-15 minutes the doctors were able to bring her body back, but we knew she had already made her way back to heaven. We kept her on life support while our family came to say goodbye to my perfect baby. Then, we unhooked the life support. I held my baby as she took her final breaths and told her I loved her, and was so thankful for her picking me to be her mom. Then she left us. Many people would be furious and want to scream, but all I felt was peace. I knew she was ok, and things were going to be ok. It was still very difficult and painful to leave the hospital that night without my baby.
    

                            The doctors are still running test to find out what went wrong. The cause of death was acute acidosis. We dont know what caused it, or how long she had it, but it had shut down all the organs in her little frail body, besides her heart, lungs, and brain. It never showed signs until that Thursday. And still, while going through all this, Ella was sweet, snuggly, and happy the whole time. In the months to come we will find out more information, as test results come back to us. 

                         This is the most difficult thing I have and probably will ever go through in my life. Some days are filled with tears, and my arms ache to hold that sweet girl, but I know that someday she will fill my arms again. I will always be her mom, and she will always be my sweet Ella. I have felt the peace and support from everyones prayers. And, even though I would give anything and everything to have my baby back, I am so thankful for those amazing 10 days she shared with me, especially because she wasnt suppose to be here for two weeks later. I am so glad she shared her coos and giggles with us. She was PERFECT and we will love and miss her forever. 

                        Everyone asks us how we are doing so here is the answer.... we are doing ok. I miss my Ella every day, but it gets easier everyday. Easier to see her stuff packed away, easier to talk about what has happened, and easier to get back to our usual routine. It makes me realize what a precious little miracle Ruth is. It makes me want to snuggle her more, and spend all my time with her. I dont know if I could have done this without Ruth to keep me on my toes, and keep me seeing the brightness and happiness in life. It makes me appreciate the amazing husband I have, and amazing family I have that have supported and been there for me. But most importantly, it makes me thankful for my belief that I will see and hold that perfect baby again, and that she will always be mine. 

                        So, if you see me joking, and laughing, and seeming normal, know that I have not forgotten what has happened, or that my heart is not still broken, but know that I feel peace and comfort in my knowledge of what I have to look forward to...being Ellas mom!