one month!

 It seems so strange to me that one month ago I was in the hospital meeting my sweet Ella for the first time. This month time has seemed to speed by and stop all at the same time. Those 10 days of Ella's life seem to have breezed by in a blink, while everyday after time has seemed to stop. Part of me feels amazed that people are still doing everyday things, and going on with life as if nothing has happened. Then, I remind myself, that to them, nothing has. This last year almost seems as if it never happened. It seems like a dream that I cant wake up from. But, it's a dream I would not change....ok well, maybe the ending, but I wouldnt trade any of those ten day I had with Ella for anything. So....happy one month birthday my sweet angel! We all love and miss you!

My Sweet Ella

                                     As many of you know, this last month has been a whirl wind for me and my family. Because many of you have asked, here is Ella's story.

                                        Before Ella came to our family, we had miscarried three times. Imagine our excitement when one finally stuck! We loved her before she even made it to this earth, especially Ruth. Ruth spent countless hours rubbing my belly, talking to Ella, telling her how much she loved her and how excited she was for her to "pop out". :) Toward the end of my very long and miserable pregnancy, I started to experience some complications that scared my doctor, and at a checkup on November 10th, my doctor decided that Ella would be born that day. It was two weeks before we had planned on her, but I was still excited to meet my precious little one I had been carrying around all this time. They rushed me into a c-section and a few minutes later I was holding my sweet new baby. 

                                     Ella was born early, but healthy. She was loved by everyone that met her. She was snuggly, and sweet. She knew her family, especially Ruth. The first day of her life, Ella had started to fuss a little bit and all Ruth did was say "it's ok baby sis, you dont need to cry" and Ella opened her eyes, looked right at Ruth and stopped crying. They had a special bond from the beginning.

                                   

 

 

                                                  

 

In the next few days to come, we loved and snuggled our sweet Ella. She was such a good baby. She didnt fuss, hardly ever. She was very alert for a newborn, always watching us. She would coo at us, and even giggled. Yes, giggled! We thought we had a little smarty pants on our hands because Ruth didnt even open her eyeballs for months, let alone giggle at us. At only a few days old Ella would copy Marcus' face. Thinking it was just a fluke, Marcus made different faces and Ella copied them all. It was almost as if she was preparing us, and getting as much in as she could before she would have to leave.
    

                                     Thursday, November 20, Ella woke up looking a little yellow, having been born a couple weeks early she did have some jaundice, so we didnt think much of it. Plus, we had just been to a check up two days before and everything was perfect. Well as the day progress Ella was not eating like usual and was not as alert. We still were just thinking she was maybe catching something, but later that afternoon we decided to take her in. We took her to her doctor in Blackfoot who immediately ambulanced us to Pocatello. We got to the hospital and they got her vitals back up, and were looking and sounding very optimistic. Marcus had taken the car up while I went with Ella in the ambulance. He met us there as they were prepping to move us up to an observation room for the night. We were sitting on the bed next to her, each of us holding a small perfect hand, when Ella looked right into our eyes, coo-ed for a second, then peacefully shut her eyes and slipped away, she had a heart attack. After 10-15 minutes the doctors were able to bring her body back, but we knew she had already made her way back to heaven. We kept her on life support while our family came to say goodbye to my perfect baby. Then, we unhooked the life support. I held my baby as she took her final breaths and told her I loved her, and was so thankful for her picking me to be her mom. Then she left us. Many people would be furious and want to scream, but all I felt was peace. I knew she was ok, and things were going to be ok. It was still very difficult and painful to leave the hospital that night without my baby.
    

                            The doctors are still running test to find out what went wrong. The cause of death was acute acidosis. We dont know what caused it, or how long she had it, but it had shut down all the organs in her little frail body, besides her heart, lungs, and brain. It never showed signs until that Thursday. And still, while going through all this, Ella was sweet, snuggly, and happy the whole time. In the months to come we will find out more information, as test results come back to us. 

                         This is the most difficult thing I have and probably will ever go through in my life. Some days are filled with tears, and my arms ache to hold that sweet girl, but I know that someday she will fill my arms again. I will always be her mom, and she will always be my sweet Ella. I have felt the peace and support from everyones prayers. And, even though I would give anything and everything to have my baby back, I am so thankful for those amazing 10 days she shared with me, especially because she wasnt suppose to be here for two weeks later. I am so glad she shared her coos and giggles with us. She was PERFECT and we will love and miss her forever. 

                        Everyone asks us how we are doing so here is the answer.... we are doing ok. I miss my Ella every day, but it gets easier everyday. Easier to see her stuff packed away, easier to talk about what has happened, and easier to get back to our usual routine. It makes me realize what a precious little miracle Ruth is. It makes me want to snuggle her more, and spend all my time with her. I dont know if I could have done this without Ruth to keep me on my toes, and keep me seeing the brightness and happiness in life. It makes me appreciate the amazing husband I have, and amazing family I have that have supported and been there for me. But most importantly, it makes me thankful for my belief that I will see and hold that perfect baby again, and that she will always be mine. 

                        So, if you see me joking, and laughing, and seeming normal, know that I have not forgotten what has happened, or that my heart is not still broken, but know that I feel peace and comfort in my knowledge of what I have to look forward to...being Ellas mom!

Day 12: Pet peeves...this out to be good....

Pet peeves….here we go!

~I hate, I repeat HATE when someone wears socks to bed. They don’t even have to be in my bed to drive me crazy. Just don’t do it people.

~I hate when someone picks their nose. I don’t care if you have an itch, or how old you are. It’s so disgusting and I will barf on you. This is not a joke, you can ask my loving husband who has been barfed on for “itching” his nose holes.

~ do not bite your nails around me. It’s also super gross. Do you know how many diseases there are under there?! YUCK! Plus it makes your nails look really ugly too.

~In order to clean my room, or any room, I have to make the bed first. If my bed is made and I am cleaning, don’t come lay on my bed! It drives me bonkers! Sit on the floor, or find somewhere else to be.

~ feet! That’s all I have to say about that. I don’t like them. Don’t touch me with them, don’t make me look at them, just….yuck.

~sock drive me crazy too. I hate socks touching my ankles, so….i just don’t wear them. I know people think it’s gross, but I just hate socks.

~ it makes me crazy when people share shoes. Do not put on my shoes. I don’t care if it’s one minute or all day, I don’t like it. But, then again, I don’t like feet, so there ya go.

~ I do have the usual ones too…like I don’t like when people talk about me behind my back…
well unless it’s good lol. I hate when people lie. The truth will always come back to bite ya..just saying. 
 

Well this post is getting long, so I’m going to stop here. Plus, I don’t want to look like everything drives me crazy..lol.

Day 11: Where would i like to be in 10 yrs.

Where do I want to be in 10 years….lets see..how old will ruth be? Almost 13! Heaven help me! Lol. Well I guess I would really like to be in our own house, in a different state, not Idaho. I would actually like to work as soon as ruth is in school. I want to have my masters degree. Mostly debt free would be great too. That’s about it. I pretty much like how things otherwise so I don’t really want to change anything else.

Day 10: Favorite childhood book

I was a little busy yesterday and forgot to do this. So, my favorite book….hm….none of them, because I love all of them! Lol. I have always loved books. It would be really hard for me to pick a favorite and would take forever to list all the ones I loved. So I guess you will just have to be satisfied with that. J

Day 9: 20 things about me....read at your own risk!

1: I was born a month early and was purple all over! Lol. (at least that’s what my parents have always told me)

2: I am a total book hoarder. I love books! Marcus always teases me that I could open a library with all the books I have.

3: I love playing board games…but I hate losing! Lol. Losing doesn’t stop me from playing though J

4. I love to organize things.

5: Im not even 5 feet tall….it’s sad.

6: I have three dimples. Two on my face, and one on my thigh.

7: I got my bachelor’s degree in Elem. Ed. When I was 20.

8: I like to bake.

9: I love doing projects/crafts, especially with or for my little ruthie.

10: I have had one sweet little girl, but 4 miscarriages. Makes my little ruth so much more special to me though.

11: I have been on a cruise and would love to go again. It was so much fun. I swore up and down I was not getting on that boat, but my dad threatened to carry me onto that boat so I went and it was so AWESOME!!

12: I have more siblings than I can count. Lol. Just kidding but I do have a lot. 4 sisters, and 4 brothers, but 3 more brothers will be added soon. So total there are 12 of us…perfect for number 12.

13: my favorite subject in school was math, even more than recess. I was kinda a strange kid.

14: man these are getting hard….hm….. the only stiches I have ever had is from my C-section when ruth was born.

15: I didn’t pierce my earlobes until I was 24, but I have one piercing on the top of my ear when I was 19.

16: Marcus says I’m a slave driver…lol poor baby.

17: this is super embarrassing but oh well….i can totally out fart marcus…actually I can probably out fart most people…what can I say…I have a lot of gas. At least I’m being truthful.

18: I rub my legs when I’m sleeping. It drives anyone, who has ever slept in a bed with me, crazy! It just makes me tired for some reason.

19: I am way to addicted to hay day…its ridiculous…you should really play it..hahah

20: this list was kinda hard to write. I’m a pretty boring person. i guess my last one will be…..i am the most awesome person you will ever meet. Lol jk. Hm….i love making lists…just not this one J

Day 8: Proudest Moment.

I have so many proud moments! Mostly proud of my little ladys She is so sweet and smart! She amazes me every day! It would be hard to pick a proudest moment. I am also super proud of my awesome hubby! He is such a great husband, father, provider, student, worker, etc… he makes me proud all the time. So I’m not picking a single moment for one of them, but I love all moments I have with them!